Heartstrings tugged in so many ways...

 Lately I have had this amazing urge to write something, but every time I put my pen to paper, it never comes out right. I have been told that I expect too much from myself by thinking I will write it all out the way it feels on the first sitting. I have done it before though, but when I grew up to join the adult world, it all seemed to drain away as my life was taken over by work and school and responsibility. This annoys me to no end because whatever this is that is brewing inside of me is beautiful and poignant, tragic and epic, heart-wrenching and soul-inspiring, but it just wont come out! I hate to force it out, because it always seems to come out rushed that way, and I never get the whole thing out. God is seriously doing some big things inside of me and I just can't seem to get into His rhythm though, but whatever is happening, its literally as if my insides are being turned inside out and my world is being destroyed and remade time after time. I feel as if I am forgetting who I am and at the same time I wonder who have I ever been?In the middle of it all is this intense desire to DO what I was made to do, and that would be to worship God and enjoy Him. I am afraid of this though. I know God's hand is all over my life right now, and he has a purpose, but it seems like pure chaos at the moment. What the heck is going on?! This has been ringing in my head for days now, and I am going to say it now just to get it out and give it presence, and perhaps somehow wrap my mind around what is being said to me. "God, you are both terrible and beautiful, orderly and wild, just and..." and what? Gracious just doesn't cut it. I heard this song on the radio by Big Daddy Weave called "Just The Way I Am" that made me cry with joy and I just started thanking God for loving me when I fail so very often. I have been down a lot in the past because I believed the lies of the enemy that God had put me on the back burner abandoned me to my sin, but God is inside me somewhere, a terrible force demolishing the ugliness in me and making something beautiful out of all of my mistakes, scars and wounds. God is a God of redemption friends! Everyone has their something that weighs them down and tears them to shreds when the Enemy starts using it against you to keep you from being effective for the kingdom of God. You may be the only one who knows what it is, but please remember that God knows too, and He is not waiting for you to fall just so He can kick you when you are down. That is the Enemy who does that. God is there with a stretcher called grace to carry you, a safe haven from the onslaught of the Accuser who hates you simply because you are Gods. You have been chosen for good works which God set into motion from the beginning of time. YOU ARE A VITAL PIECE OF AN ELABORATE AND BEAUTIFUL PUZZLE! Please believe God is in the midst of it all. I know it seems like everything is going wrong; you're broke, you're lonely, you're confused about where your life is headed, and all the while gas prices are steady rising and you don't know how you're going to make it to, let alone through, the next week. Understand one thing: Our understanding of the ways of this world is limited, and what we may think is a sinking feeling could be God's way of drawing us into the right posture we need to have in this life, one of humble acceptance that in no other way will be able to make it though unless He does it. Lets face it, as long as we have a handle on all the things in this life (well paying job, love life, living arrangements), we think we have a handle on life itself, but none of these things require depending on God if we depend on ourselves to provide them. Of course God is the provider of them all, but we think we are. What if this world got a LOT harder to live in, and we lost that security in ourselves? What else would be left? God, that is what. I believe when the church sees this world turned upside down in chaos, the wheat will be separated from the tares and we will truly depend on Him the way we should have in times of ease and peace. God doesn't do these things to hurt us; just the opposite. He knows that there IS no other way to live life abundantly unless through Him, and His love for us wont allow us  to sit down and depend on ourselves. So the next time the rug is pulled out from under you, don't try to pull it back. The palm of God's hand us MUCH more secure to walk on, and will break your fall.